147: The Most Offensive 4 Letter Word to an ADHD Brain

Our Brain’s Most Offensive Four-Letter Word

Before I jump in, two quick caveats. This is a clean episode, the four-letter word I’m talking about isn’t a curse word. And I’d rather live by a quote I once heard: I try hard not to offend anyone, but I try even harder not to be offended. Everyone you encounter has a story, and choosing to assume good intent, that the rude clerk might just be having a terrible day that has nothing to do with you, is a much easier way to move through life. With that said, this particular word is worth knowing about, whether you want it for yourself or to help a loved one understand why it sets you off.

The word is “just”

It sounds so casual on the surface. Could you just do this simple thing? Why don’t you just pick up a few things each day? Could you just get rid of some of this junk? I’m just asking you to make a few phone calls. But to an ADHD brain, “just” doesn’t land as casual at all. It lands as this is so simple, I don’t understand why you’re making it a big deal, why does this take you so long, it’s just a five-minute thing. That word carries an enormous amount of weight in how it’s received, even when the person saying it means nothing by it. When you hear it, it helps to pause, brace yourself for the sting, and give the other person some grace, they likely have no idea how loaded that word feels on the receiving end.

A resource worth twelve minutes of your time

The best explanation I’ve ever found for why tasks feel so much harder for us than the word “just” implies comes from a two-part YouTube video, six minutes each, built around a metaphor called the wall of awful, created by Brendan Mahan of ADHD Essentials. It describes everything that has to happen before we can even begin a task, not just the task itself, but the climb required to get to a place where we’re capable of starting it. You don’t need to watch it, you can listen to it just like this podcast, though the graphics are genuinely worth the look if you can spare it.

Recognizing your own wall of awful

With end-of-year school tasks piling up, especially with a senior in my own house right now, it’s easy to feel paralyzed by things that look small from the outside. When that paralysis hits, it can help to remember that you’re doing far more than it appears. You need to give yourself the time, grace, and energy to actually climb that wall before the task itself even starts. Once you’re on the other side of it, the task genuinely does look as simple as “just make a few phone calls” made it sound, the climb was the hard part, not the task.

What’s next

I’ll follow up with the specific strategies for getting over that wall a little more easily, along with a real example from my own week where I noticed myself doing this well in one task and struggling with it in another, using the exact same strategies to bridge the gap.

In the meantime, the next time that four-letter word comes out of someone’s mouth aimed at you, give yourself a breath and a moment of patience. You’re not avoiding the task. You’re climbing the wall so you can get to it.

Until next time, continue to choose joy.