206: How to Identify a Routine that Works for Your ADHD Brain

You Already Have a Routine, and Here’s How You Can Prove It to Yourself

You’ve been chasing “the routine” your whole life, convinced that if you could just build one and stick to it, everything would click into place. Here’s a claim that might sound backwards: you already have a routine, and you’re actually fairly consistent with it. Let me show you how I know.

We’re not bad at routines, we’re bad at their routines

If we’re talking about the type-A version, the morning routine and evening routine, the 10-step plan that transforms your life in three months, the Pinterest-perfect headline promise, then sure, we genuinely struggle with that. But that doesn’t mean fish brains and ADHD brains don’t have their own version of consistency. It’s just not linear, not something an outsider could point to and recognize, and definitely not something you could set a clock to. Call it a rhythm instead of a routine: a set of recurring events that repeat in various orders at various times, not a fixed sequence.

How to prove it exists: watch what happens when it’s disrupted

Here’s the tell. Something disrupts your life, good or bad, and suddenly everything feels unmoored. You’re no longer in any kind of flow, and the chaos around you visibly compounds. That feeling of “everything just fell apart” is actually proof that something was holding together before the disruption hit. You can’t lose a rhythm you never had.

In my own case, the disruption was simply summer starting: kids who’d been away suddenly back home, no school structure shaping the day anymore. All good things. Still genuinely disruptive. One recent night stretched into total chaos: driving to grab a secondhand bed off Facebook Marketplace for a son sleeping on the floor, disassembling and reassembling it, clearing the pollen-covered patio for my daughter’s upcoming birthday party, then spontaneously buying an outdoor table and chair set and trying to assemble it in time for dinner, which didn’t happen until nearly 8:40 p.m., followed by rebuilding the bed late into the night because my son had work in the morning. I went to bed around 1 a.m. with a kitchen I simply could not face cleaning. I woke up, took a photo of the mess, and recorded this episode anyway, with a flight to catch that afternoon and zero packing done.

Don’t try to “get back” to it, and don’t feel guilty either

When chaos hits and the old rhythm feels lost, the instinct is to scramble and ask how do I get this back. I don’t think that’s actually the right move. And before anything else: guilt, shame, or disappointment about the state of your house is simply wasted energy. There’s no productivity or forward motion that comes from sitting in those feelings. None of what happened was a mistake. Every choice made in the moment was the right priority at the time.

Take stock of the choices, not the mess

Instead of spiraling on how things got this way, take an honest inventory of the choices behind the chaos. Getting my son off a floor mattress and into an actual bed was the right call. Getting a jump start on cleaning the patio a full week ahead of the party, even though it’s still mid-project and messy, was genuine progress, not failure. Letting my son take over cooking dinner, even though it left the kitchen in shambles, meant a genuinely great meal and a good evening together. I prioritized living, people, and real improvements to our home, even while accepting the chaos those choices generate along the way. A clean house ranks remarkably low on the list of what actually matters, even while it’s completely valid to still want one.

Don’t try to rebuild the old routine exactly, look for what to keep

Once you’ve given yourself credit for the choices, resist the pull to just recreate your old routine piece by piece. Our brains crave novelty, and reviving something old rarely serves that. Instead, pick out the specific pieces you genuinely valued and want to carry forward into whatever comes next. For me, that’s my morning coffee ritual and the strength routines I’ve been doing on YouTube that make me feel stronger and better, since maintaining muscle matters more as I get older. The rest is genuinely up for grabs, and that’s fine. It’s actually a good moment to try something new rather than defaulting back to the exact same setup, since a fresh challenge or approach every so often keeps things working for a brain that gets bored of repetition.

Your practical, actionable step

Take stock of whatever chaos disrupted your rhythm recently. List the choices you made, and give yourself credit for the good priorities behind them instead of guilt over the mess. Then identify just two or three pieces of your old rhythm you actually want to keep, and let the rest be an open invitation to try something new.

Until next time, continue to choose joy.