279: Are You Willfully Stuck? Break Free from Procrastination

Stuck or Avoiding? How to Tell the Difference and Get Moving Again

I just wrapped up a four-part series on the things that keep you stuck. If you feel paralyzed about how to start, or where to start, that series is for you, and I’m really proud of it.

But what if the problem isn’t that you’re stuck? What if you’re actively staying stuck?

We could call that avoiding, or willful procrastination. Let’s dig into what to do if that’s what’s happening.

The Pressure of the “Gift of Time”

This topic is very real in my life right now. In my latest round of empty nesting, I have really, really struggled to get myself into gear.

That’s such a contrast to how I felt as summer dragged on. There was so much activity, and I kept thinking, As soon as everybody goes back to school, I’ve got X, Y, and Z, and I’m so excited to do all of it.

Maybe you know this feeling. It could be your kids heading back to school, an empty nest, retirement, or any season where your days suddenly lose their built-in structure. That extra time is a gift. But it comes with an incredible amount of pressure attached.

When you’re given the gift of time, the pressure not to squander it is heavy.

Last year was my first year of empty nesting, and I gave myself a whole lot of grace: This is new. You have to adjust. Things are weird. I’m actually quite good at giving myself grace. A lot of you could use more of it! But sometimes I take it too far.

The Very Believable Excuses

Here’s what I’m really good at, and you might see yourself in this too: giving myself very believable excuses for why I haven’t started yet.

It sounds something like this:

• “This thing is literally about to happen, so as soon as I get it done, then it’ll feel like I’m really starting.”
• “Well, it doesn’t really start until after that first full week following Labor Day.”
• “Everybody’s going to be home again for this other thing.”
• “If I can just get through that big activity, then there’s a wide-open stretch…”
• “But Thanksgiving is going to hit, and then Christmas, and I really should focus on those first.”
• “January. January feels good.”

The next thing you know, you’ve squandered months of time. You’re beating yourself up and frustrated, wondering, Why am I not jumping all in here? What is happening?

That’s when you have to get super real with yourself and ask:

Am I stuck? Or am I avoiding?

Am I willfully procrastinating on a task that, in my head, I’m excited about? In my head, I made plans for it. In my head, I couldn’t wait for this moment.

So the moment is here. Where’s the action?

What Are You Protecting Yourself From?

This is the hard part, because you have to sit with one question: What am I protecting myself from?

(Quick note: I’m not a psychiatrist, psychologist, or medical doctor. This is just experience I believe a lot of us share. Judging by how many of you reach out to say “yes, I felt this,” I don’t think I’m alone.)

Are you avoiding because:

• You’re scared to screw it up again?
• You don’t want to fail again?
• You don’t want to let the people around you down?
• You don’t want to waste money?
• You don’t want to waste time?

You can think of a million reasons why this won’t go perfectly. You might even tell yourself, Well, I’m not looking for perfect. That’s not what this is.

But you’re protecting yourself from the mess-up in advance, so much that you’re paralyzed.

This is a different kind of stuck. It’s not the stuck where you don’t know where to start, or what to do first. It’s the kind where, if you’re honest, you know what you could be doing. You just can’t get yourself to take action on it.

The Fix, Part One: Recognize It

The fix is twofold, and the first part is recognizing what’s happening.

Remind yourself that being stuck is also a form of the failure you’re afraid of.

If you’re honest, you’re just as frustrated with yourself for not taking action as you would be if you’d acted and messed it up. Maybe more.

When something goes wrong, we can coach ourselves through it: At least I gave it a try. I learned something. That was lousy, but at least I was moving.

There’s a very special kind of disappointment and frustration that comes from taking no action at all and squandering the gift of time.

So be open to admitting that staying stuck is actually worse. Then tell yourself, Okay, I’ve got to find something that helps me get over this fear.

Take One Teeny-Tiny Step (Any Step!)

I recently recorded a great interview with Dana K. White about her new book, Procrastinators Get Stuff Done. In it, she walks through a five-step process she created to help people overcome procrastination. That interview is the very next episode, so stay tuned! Her book is available for pre-order. I’m several chapters in, and it’s so good. It resonates with our brains. If you think I resonate with you, you’re going to love this book.

I won’t spoil her five-step process here (we go over it in the interview), but I’ll share one of her tips.

Identify one teeny-tiny step you’ll have to do anyway once this project is finally underway. Pick something small enough that you can think, Okay, I could get myself to do that one little chunk, because it has to be done eventually.

Taking that step can often unlock what we need. Suddenly you’re in motion. You took the hardest step, which is the first one, and it didn’t have to be the step labeled “number one.”

One of my favorite things about Dana’s steps is that planning is in there, but it doesn’t fall where you’d think it should.

I’m confident you can think of at least one step in your process where you can say, Well, I’ll do this part. Make yourself that deal, and get moving in the right direction.

The Fix, Part Two: Accountability

The second piece is the one I feel most passionate about, because it makes a huge difference.

Even in the stuck place I’ve been in lately, the only day I’ve been able to make progress is Tuesday.

Do you know what the magic of Tuesday is?

In my membership group, we have Tackle It Tuesdays. I host Zoom calls, and people show up. They make me accountable to myself in a way I can’t explain unless you experience it.

All of us protect Tuesdays like gold now, because that’s the day we get stuff done. We’re accountable to each other, and it is huge.

When everything else is failing, being accountable alongside people who don’t judge you, who encourage you, and who are just there doing their own thing makes you take steps in the right direction.

Come Join Us in Fish School

If you’ve been thinking, Joy, I listened to all the unstuck episodes. Some of them resonated, and I’m going to try those things, but I feel like I’m actively avoiding. I can’t figure out how to get in motion…

You need to be part of this group.

Fish School is my membership for fish brains like us, and it’s open right now. I would so love to have you join us, even if it’s just for the Tuesdays. It’s life-changing, and I want you to have that change in your life.

It’s just $10 a month. You can find all the details at joylovinghome.com/membership.

If you’ve found yourself squandering this gift of time and can’t find another way to take steps toward the things you want, this kind of accountability is worth it.

Until next time, continue to choose joy.

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