212: Tips and Life Lessons from Four Moves in One Summer

Lessons from a Summer of Four Moves (Fish Brains, Monkey Brains, and All)

This isn’t really a “how to move” episode, even though it sounds like one. It’s the general life lessons that came out of helping with four different moves this summer, lessons that apply whether you’re packing boxes or not.

A listener question first

Before getting into the moves, I want to share a question from a listener, a parent whose adult daughter, herself now raising young kids, struggles with her house. This parent’s heart is entirely in the right place. She wants to help but keeps getting met with resistance, and she asked how she can actually be helpful without stepping on toes or making her daughter feel judged.

I don’t have a definitive answer, but it’s worth sitting with: if your mother or mother-in-law wanted to genuinely help with your home, what would actually feel helpful rather than critical? The difference usually isn’t the offer itself, it’s whether it comes with judgment attached or without it.

Move one: less really is more

Our oldest son, a natural minimalist and monkey brain, handled 99% of his own move within the same city. We flew down, helped hang a few things on walls, took him to dinner, and that was essentially it. He hasn’t accumulated much in his life, and he genuinely likes order. He’s my kid, and yet that’s just who he is. If you’ve ever worried you’re failing your children by not modeling perfect organization or calm consistency, take this as permission to let that worry go. People are who they are, and your influence, good or bad, doesn’t fundamentally rewrite their wiring.

Move two: chaos arrives no matter how early you start

My in-laws, both monkey brains, had nearly two years on a waitlist to downsize from a 16-year home into a two-bedroom retirement community, and my mother-in-law spent that entire runway actively thinning things out. Once the 90-day countdown started, she ramped into daily sorting and deciding. She was genuinely skilled at this, having moved frequently earlier in her marriage. And it still got chaotic at the end, because there’s only so much preparation possible while you’re actively living in a space you’re simultaneously trying to pack. The lesson: allow the chaos to exist no matter how prepared everyone is, and everyone involved needs to actively choose to stay calm and positive rather than let frustration or blame take over. Moves are just hard.

Move three: the fish-brain move, and why overthinking it would have made it worse

Our college son’s move was pure fish brain. Even though we technically had a two-week window to move at our leisure, he was so ready to be done with the school year that he grabbed his clothes and immediate bathroom needs and walked out the door with zero prep. So when we arrived to actually move him, we walked into an apartment that hadn’t been touched, and went from zero to fully emptied in a matter of hours.

The move itself worked because we abandoned every organized-move tip you’ve ever heard. No labeled kitchen box, no labeled bathroom box. We used oversized Ikea tote bags (a few dollars each, fold completely flat, and endlessly reusable, I use them constantly in my professional organizing work for hauling donations) and just scooped: bathroom stuff into one bag straight to the truck, bedroom stuff into another, kitchen stuff into a third. The sorting and organizing happens on the other end, not during a hot, chaotic, un-air-conditioned July move in Alabama. If you’re a chaotic mover helping another chaotic mover, don’t try to impose order mid-move. Just get everything out, fast.

Move four: you cannot control other people

Our younger college son had to move rooms because an outgoing roommate was slow to fully vacate a shared space, while the incoming roommate understandably wanted access from day one of paying rent. We tried negotiating a staged handoff, get the old stuff at least out of the bedroom and bathroom into the living room so the space could be cleaned before our son moved in. It didn’t unfold cleanly. My son is a very organized monkey brain, and moving into an uncleaned space genuinely bothered him. In the end, there was a lot outside our control, and the only real option was to let it be.

Three tips and one overarching lesson

First, always have a grab bag ready: cleaning basics (toilet paper, soap, paper towels) so a bathroom can function immediately, plus a cooler with cold drinks and quick, healthy-ish snacks. This alone will make you the most beloved helper, or the best possible welcome gift if you’re greeting a new neighbor moving in.

Second, less really is more, in your belongings, your move, and your general capacity to stay calm under pressure. My most minimalist kids consistently had the easiest moves.

Third, live in the space you’re actually in, not the one that’s coming next. People who treat a space as purely temporary never really settle into it. Do the things that make you happy now, whether that’s a paint color or a small decision, you can always change it later. My mother-in-law handled the easy pre-downsizing decisions ahead of time, but otherwise lived fully in her home right up until the actual move, then brought real energy and excitement into embracing the new place rather than trying to recreate the old one.

The overarching lesson, if you’re the one helping: the worst part of any move is cleaning the empty space afterward, when all the excitement has already shifted toward the new place and nobody has energy left. If you’re able, offer to stay behind and handle that final cleanup so the person moving can focus on settling in. If it’s a meaningful, final goodbye to a long-time home, though, leave a small window for them to have their own last moment in the space before it’s fully done. If nobody’s available to help and you truly don’t want to do it yourself, hiring a cleaning crew for that last pass is a legitimate gift to give yourself.

Your practical, actionable step

If you’re supporting someone else’s move soon, put together a grab bag of basic cleaning supplies and snacks before the day arrives, and offer to handle the final cleanup of the old space so they can focus their energy on the new one.

Until next time, continue to choose joy.